electric fireplaces st john image
Jason Grac
I walked into the living room and settled down on the couch nearest to the electric fireplace. I had recently met John Williams, a fairly rich investment bank worker and was currently living with him, twelve years after my previous husband, Percy Jones, had mysteriously ran off somewhere just after our son, Carter, was born.
John worked in a bank in the middle of the city and he always came home quite early, at around four or five oâclock. Thanks to John, I now lived in a nice, big house with everything I had ever wanted, unlike the stuffy two bedroom flat my son Carter, and I used to live in. Despite all this, I was now beginning to think I had made the wrong choice by marrying him.
He was treating me like his own personal slave, bossing me around all the time. âIâm home!â a voice shouted from near the front door.
âOh, great.â I thought miserably. âHello darlingâ I replied, still sitting down.
âWell come on then, get over here, these bags wonât move by themselves.â he shouted at me.
âComing!â I shouted back. What I really wanted to say was âYou can carry them yourself, you lazy idiot!â, but I just didnât have the guts to, because he would probably kick my son and me out of the house and stop paying for all of my and Carterâs stuff.
The next day was like hell. John's friends were coming round for the whole day. I prepared myself for another day of torture. I went to theshops and bought three six-packs of beer; his friends drank loads. I also made a whole plate full of cheese and chicken sandwiches for them to eat.
At about eleven, when they arrived, they started playing a game of poker, fuelled with lots and lots of beer. They were drinking so much that I had to go out and buy even more. When it was lunchtime at about one oâclock, I served the cheese and chicken sandwiches.
âWhat is this junk?â one of John's friends asked.
âYes, what is this?â John demanded, âMake us some real food. We all want steaks!â
âIâll make you some steak tomorrow John.â I replied, âIâm sure you can cope withâ¦â John rudely cut me off.
âNo we canât!â John interrupted, âMake us some food NOW, or else!â
âOh, fine then.â I replied timidly.
The good thing was that the day had ended and all of John's friends had gone, which meant no more waitressing for me. But the bad thing was I was stuck in a house with a drunken idiot.
Today was probably going to be the best day in my life since I had moved into this house. It was Sunday and John was away on a business trip. Also, my son, Theo, was coming home from the boarding school, St. Augustineâs, which John had sent him to.
At about nine, I went to the local train station to collect Theo. When I got there, I discovered that his train was running forty-five minutes behind schedule. That was just great.
@Piper dont worry i will be back at camp in a few days to help u and leo with the ship.
Answer
There is one problem: dialogue tags. You misuse them. Not to be condescending, but out of ease (to me) I've copied this passage I wrote to another writer:
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There is one major error with the writing, however, involving dialogue tags. Many times, you have a period at the end of dialogue before the tag and capitalization for the tag. One example: " 'Oh my God. Oh my God.' The boy rambled...". Dialogue is a sentence within a sentence; if the line starts with dialogue, the tag is not capitalized unless it is a proper name. However, if the tag precedes the dialogue, the quoted sentence is capitalized.
On the same subject, you misuse periods and commas. As dialogue is a sentence within a sentence, a comma is used (only instead of a period--other punctuation remains the same) at the end if a dialogue tag follows. The previously mentioned sample, proper, would be " 'Oh my God. Oh my God,' the boy rambled..." (comma because the tag follows and the next word is not capitalized). There are also other occasions where you end a sentence, but use a comma at the end. (Example: "pain that was cutting into him, 'B-but he never showed...".) A comma is only used if the dialogue is preceded by a dialogue tag; otherwise, it is a period, the end of the sentence.
Some form examples, just to show (not to be condescending, of course):
"The dog, it jumped," said the man. -- The tag comes after the dialogue; the word afterwards isn't capitalized and the dialogue uses a comma at the end.
The man said, "The dog, it jumped." -- The tag precedes the dialogue, so it ends with a comma. The dialogue begins with a capital.
"The dog," the man said, "it jumped." -- In this example, the same sentence continues, so a comma is at the end of the first part and the tag.
"The dog," the man said. "It jumped." -- This time, he is saying "The dog. It jumped." The second part of the dialogue is a separate sentence; it is capitalized.
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But other than that, it is very good! Keep it up, and good luck!
There is one problem: dialogue tags. You misuse them. Not to be condescending, but out of ease (to me) I've copied this passage I wrote to another writer:
-----
There is one major error with the writing, however, involving dialogue tags. Many times, you have a period at the end of dialogue before the tag and capitalization for the tag. One example: " 'Oh my God. Oh my God.' The boy rambled...". Dialogue is a sentence within a sentence; if the line starts with dialogue, the tag is not capitalized unless it is a proper name. However, if the tag precedes the dialogue, the quoted sentence is capitalized.
On the same subject, you misuse periods and commas. As dialogue is a sentence within a sentence, a comma is used (only instead of a period--other punctuation remains the same) at the end if a dialogue tag follows. The previously mentioned sample, proper, would be " 'Oh my God. Oh my God,' the boy rambled..." (comma because the tag follows and the next word is not capitalized). There are also other occasions where you end a sentence, but use a comma at the end. (Example: "pain that was cutting into him, 'B-but he never showed...".) A comma is only used if the dialogue is preceded by a dialogue tag; otherwise, it is a period, the end of the sentence.
Some form examples, just to show (not to be condescending, of course):
"The dog, it jumped," said the man. -- The tag comes after the dialogue; the word afterwards isn't capitalized and the dialogue uses a comma at the end.
The man said, "The dog, it jumped." -- The tag precedes the dialogue, so it ends with a comma. The dialogue begins with a capital.
"The dog," the man said, "it jumped." -- In this example, the same sentence continues, so a comma is at the end of the first part and the tag.
"The dog," the man said. "It jumped." -- This time, he is saying "The dog. It jumped." The second part of the dialogue is a separate sentence; it is capitalized.
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But other than that, it is very good! Keep it up, and good luck!
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Title Post: What do u think of this story so far? What should i write next?
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Thank FOr Coming TO My Blog
Rating: 100% based on 99998 ratings. 5 user reviews.
Author: Unknown
Thank FOr Coming TO My Blog
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